Why I am doing this. (Also posted on my WordPress at: http://startinganewday.wordpress.com/2009/09/06/day-five/ till I decide which blogging service I like better.)
I use to see so much potential in myself. Now every morning I get up and pray that I live longer than the people who knew me when I was younger so that they won’t notice what I’ve wasted.
I have become withdrawn from people I use to feel attached to. Without any other limiting conditions, people judge me unfit because of my weight. This has caused me to lose all hope and confidence in myself. Even after high school, there are people who think it's OK to make me be afraid of them just because they're in better shape than I am. They make me feel unable to perform everyday functions normally, giving me feelings of inadequacy. These feelings of inadequacy, sadness, shame, embarrassment, depression, and guilt for imagined offenses that are imposed on me by society and modern culture are ridiculous. I should not have to regret and feel guilty of personal past actions and behaviors due to complete strangers that have weight related discrimination issues. So why do they have to do and say inhuman things like comparing me to a farm animal (or worse things that I will not mention on a blog that could be viewed my minors) to make me wish I had done something different in a past situation that only effects me? Basically, why is it they think they can make a judgement on what I have done to my own body? What gives a complete stranger the authority to be the prosecutor, judge, jury, and executioner of a sentence of isolating me because they're skinnier? There are a lot of natural things like bone size and natural body chemistry that they do not care about, but they do care what pants size I wear. What business is that of theirs, it's not like they buy my clothes. So they decide I'm not worthy of visiting and devoid me of the warmth, comfort, and hope of human companionship; leaving me with a feeling of living in a bleak barren wasteland of lonely desolation. And this is just because they fail to understand that not everyone is the same. How boring would it be if we were? So instead of trying to understand, they mock and scorn me to show their contempt by insulting my actions and words and making me the subject of their laughter and bitter ridicule to rob me of my self confidence. They are not satisfied till I have no satisfaction left and that void that is left is full of painful emotions of guilt, humiliation, and the imperfection of lacking something that is required to be human by subjecting me to deep and personal humiliation.
That is why I fear dying before I can make a change, and people realize I wasted the potential they had seen in me.
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